As I discussed in a previous post, resilient people are highly positive, focused, flexible, organised and proactive. Sounds great but a little abstract.
What can you actually do to start building or improving your resilience? My main suggestion: have goals.
Unless you have something you are working towards, you will just be reacting to life. Setting goals helps you take both responsibility and action.
Even better, formulate some long-term goals. Focusing on your long-term goals can help you overcome short-term difficulties. For example, it took me twenty years to move back to a First World country and ten more to become a citizen. (The second could’ve been as little as six years if I wasn’t such a master procrastinator when it comes to personal admin…but more on my ‘Australian Story’ in another blog post.)
How to get started
I am a bit of a personal development junkie. I truly believe that people can change for the better and set themselves up for (their version of) success. Although I acknowledge that some things are easier for some people than others, I don’t think you need to be a victim of your circumstances or personality type. There are plenty of things you can achieve or at least improve through learning, practice and focus.
OK, with my slightly embarrassing obsession with the self-help genre now explained, let’s continue with today’s topic.
I read my first personal development book when I was 13. It was a small book by Mike Hernacki from 1982 (the first edition) called The Ultimate Secret to Getting Absolutely Everything You Want. One of the author’s theories is that to get what you want, you must first figure out three things:
what you want
what you need to do to get it
whether you are willing to do those things.
[Side note: This might be a bit paraphrased as it’s been 30 years since I read the book. There is also more to Hernacki’s advice but I am only focusing on the above for the purpose of today’s post.]
What do you want?
Figuring out what you want sounds simple but is often not easy to do. I think it’s because people either:
have self-doubt (i.e. they don’t believe they can change or succeed so don’t bother thinking about it further)
don’t have enough motivation to figure it out (i.e. they don’t really want to change, their situation is actually not that bad, there is no sense of or need for urgency, etc.)
are putting way too much pressure on themselves to figure out exactly what it is that they want, believing the plan can’t change once it’s set (perfectionism anyone?)
have multiple options / opportunities and feel too overwhelmed to choose one.
I know it’s easier said than done but in relation to self-doubt, I think the best cure is to do things anyway and prove to yourself that you can do them or at least make progress.
In terms of the second point above, there is nothing wrong with maintaining the status quo or not wanting to change. Not everyone has to be excited by change and there is so much joy in long-lasting traditions and rituals. However, if the status quo is negatively impacting your family or co-workers, your ability to maintain employment or obstructing operational or technological progress at work, then you should probably think about setting some goals.
In terms of battling perfectionism, I actually think making yourself power through all three of Hernacki’s steps above, quickly and at a high level, may help crystalise the first part (i.e. what you want). Use a timer and limit the amount of time you can spend on each step so that you don’t get stuck. (Not speaking from personal experience here, of course…)
Quickly (and imperfectly) powering through all three steps is also useful when you are considering multiple options because you are having a quick look at all of them before you dive deeper into your favourite(s). For some, you may stop at the first thing you have to do to get there and say ‘nope, not for me’.
What do you need to do to get it?
Figuring out what it will take is empowering. It’s an action. It’s taking things a bit further, making them more real. It can give you confidence and clarity.
You will likely do the final two steps at the same time. As you are brainstorming or researching what it takes to reach your goal, you will be simultaneously considering whether it’s for you.
Your motivation could increase because now that you know what it will take, it’s no longer so daunting and possibly just a matter of getting on with the work. Or you may decide that what it takes is not in line with your ethical values or is not aligned with your higher priorities (e.g. spending time with your family, staying in your hometown, having plenty of free time for leisure activities, etc.).
If you choose not to pursue a particular goal, that’s fine. Just make sure you are not giving up too soon due to self-doubt.
Are you willing to do what it takes?
This is essentially what sets successful people apart from the rest. They don’t just dream about things, they go ahead and do them. They don’t just complain about their destiny, they take charge and improve their situation. They give themselves permission to experiment, make mistakes and learn from them.
I’m not saying you should take a Machiavelli approach and achieve things at all costs. However, there is no point in having goals unless you are willing to act on them.
Remain flexible
Another thing to consider is whether you could achieve the same or a similar outcome by tweaking your goal or the steps required to achieve it.
For example, if one of your goals is to spend a year travelling around the world, you may need to deprive yourself of a range of things over the next few years to save up for this project, take extended leave from work or quit your job altogether. Then, while on the road, you may need to homeschool your kids, live the nomad life without your usual comforts, deal with potential illness and other disasters far away from home and spend every minute of every day with your family. (You never know, ‘quality family time’ may get old after a few months.)
If you realise this is not for you, perhaps you could travel for a month to a different country every year or wait until you are an empty nester before you go on your version of The Grand Tour.
If your underlying aim is to expose your kids to overseas experiences, this could be achieved in other ways. They could participate in an exchange program, attend a language course abroad or have a gap year before they start university. (And you can go on that cruise with your significant other. Win-win!)
Or maybe your goal is career-related. Perhaps you want to go into a new field. You may need to go back to school as an external student while still working full time. Once you get that degree, and if your previous work experience is unrelated to this new field, you will likely need to start from an entry-level position and take a pay cut.
Are you prepared to do all of those things? If not, think about what it is that you like about that new field. Could you get involved as a volunteer support person in your spare time? Could you do your current role but in your target industry?
For example, you may be fond of the education sector but currently work as an accountant. Do you really need to go back to school and get your teaching degree? Could you consider applying for school-based business manager roles or work in the finance department of an education system? Could you tutor university students taking accounting courses?
I initially wanted to start an executive coaching practice but then realised that I could still help others by weaving coaching and knowledge transfer into my management consulting services and sharing tips and ideas via a blog. Similar outcome, different steps.
Any thoughts?
Has having goals helped you overcome setbacks? Which of Hernacki’s three steps do you find most challenging? Have you been able to tweak a goal and still achieve the same outcome? Contact me and share your thoughts.
Thanks for your time.